A Long Hard Look...

Brain Transplant Scheduled: Donor Needed

DALLAS--Research physicians at Baylor University Medical Center have announced that they have perfected the technology required to transfer the brain of one human being into the empty cranial cavity of another. The most obvious choice for such a transplant is the eminent physicist Stephen Hawking. Hawking, whose health is failing due to a degenerative disease that has left him confined to a wheelchair, is reportedly eager to undertake the risks in order to gain a new lease on life. The author of A Brief History of Time says he has much more to contribute to the field of science if only his life can somehow be prolonged.

"Just think who we could have plunked in Kurt Cobain's body; Mother Teresa, Jimmy Stewart, Jeremy Brett, my old dog Skippy, the list goes on and on," said Baylor Med's Dr. William Kuttem. "The possibilities are vast - think of all of the brain-dead folks you meet every day. To us, they're perfect candidates for transplants, but surprisingly they seem perversely attached to their empty heads. Go figure."

A number of Hollywood actors have been approached as possible donors for this potential triumph of science and medicine, but the Baylor physicians have been disappointed in the response. "We almost had Keanu Reeves sign the paperwork, but he got scared by big words like 'operation.' Still, we'll keep trying. All we need is one." When Tarnish contacted Hawking for a comment on the shortage of volunteers, he stated "Too bad about Keanu because I had this idea for doing The Matrix: Part IV inside a particle accelerator. But you might want to try Congress..."