"The Three Wise Men, Revisited" Critical Information!

The Three Wise Men, Revisited

We're all aware of the tale of the Three Wise Men. Popular culture has decided to take a new look at this legend and offers the following rendition on an attractive cultured stone (fake, it's cement) tablet in any one of a number of knickknack catalogs:

The Three Wise Women would have…
· Asked (sic) directions,
· Arrived on time,
· Helped deliver the baby,
· Cleaned the stable,
· Made a casserole,
· Brought practical gifts,
And there would be peace on Earth.

These conclusions are debatable, but we'll let that stand. In any event, Tarnish thought it might be nice to see what other threesomes might have done.

The Three Rabid Feminists would have…
· Ignored directions from any man,
· Arrived three weeks late (consequently) believing the star was a fabrication to further an oppressive, male dominated hierarchy's plot to keep wymyn subordinate,
· Criticized Mary for giving up her career,
· Thrown a fit about cleaning, claiming that it reinforced derogatory gender-based stereotypes,
· Made a huge scene because the Savior wasn't a wymyn,
· Brought a lawsuit against Joseph for sexual harassment,
And there would be peace on Earth just as soon as they left for their Smith College Days of Rage rally.

The Three Californians would have…
· Asked if they were in Tibet yet,
· Arrived in three separate SUVs,
· Helped Mary by reading Dr. Spock,
· Cleaned their fingernails,
· Made a spiritually refreshing tofu, soy milk, Dong Quai tincture, and honey puree for everyone,
· Brought Feng Shui books-on-tape,
And there would be peace on Earth, fellow Aquarians.

The Three Reporters would have…
· Asked a lot of leading questions,
· Arrived in a dense fog of self-importance,
· Told the public what to think of this event,
· Cleaned out the Bethlehem Hotel bar,
· Made drunken passes at the sheep afterwards,
· Brought “critical insight into the alleged miracle...” according to their editors,
And there would be peace on Earth. Further details at 11:00.

The Three Hippies would have…
· Asked to hitch a ride to Bethlehem,
· Arrived weeks later on foot,
· Helped themselves to any food,
· Offered Joseph a congratulatory hit off their bong,
· Made a few bucks selling some good $#!+ to the little drummer boy,
· Brought tie-dye Grateful Dead tee shirts for everyone,
And there would be peace on Earth, man.

The Three Presidential Candidates would have…
· Asked for contributions along the way,
· Arrived in three limousines,
· Helped themselves to taxpayer money,
· Cleaned up their interns,
· Made a point of seeming concerned,
· Brought a circus with them (minus the calliope),
And there would be peace on Earth, and vote often on election day.

The Three French Diplomats would have…
· Asked for compelling proof that this was, indeed, a miraculous event,
· Arrived in a snit over that “Old Europe” comment,
· Helped Pilate with money and PR,
· Refused to enter the stable without UN Security Council approval,
· Made a lot of noise and a few anti-Semitic remarks,
· Left early because it was the end of their 35 hour work week,
And there would be peace on Earth, once everyone knelt and recognized French superiority.