FALLON--The results of a 10-year $45 million study by the Nevada Agriculture Bureaucracy (NAB) show that the Silver State has ideal conditions for certain specialized crops, namely those not requiring water or soil nutrients. Jeffrey Pine, director of NAB, stated that, "Nevada has all the required climatological factors for significant agriculture: sun, dirt, and government programs. Just look at what we've done with Fallon. We've transformed an otherwise desolate piece of ancient lakebed into one of the prime cantaloupe producing areas of the country. NAB programs in Fallon have conclusively proven that you can grow anything anywhere if you dump enough water and fertilizer on it."
Critics of the study's results state that NAB has overlooked Nevada's indigenous agricultural resources, namely rocks, sagebrush, and dust. Holistic gardener Rick Enshovel invited Tarnish to look at his rock garden. "I get more rocks every time I dig! It's amazing! And during a dry summer, the dust I can harvest in addition to the rocks makes me enough money in kickbacks from local allergy specialists to keep me in beer for six months," said Enshovel. Finding uses for sagebrush is a bit more daunting, and Enshovel has only come up with one use thus far. "Kindling. It's great for that. But I'm working on sagebrush as a paper pulp substitute, a dog food filler, and a cologne called 'Desolation.'"
Local environmentalist group Californians In Nevada Being Obstructive (CINBO) held a press release and picket rally in front of NAB offices in response. All three CINBO members were in attendance and waved plackards denouncing NAB. CINBO spokesperson Sky India Patterson said, "NAB has no business strip-farming Nevada. We have to get government out of my garden. We shall overcome!!" When Tarnish asked Ms. Patterson about her opinion of the criticisms voiced by others concerning the impact on the environment, she responded that "...rocks are a non-renewable resource, no matter what the experts say. They need to be conserved. And non-manmade dust is an endangered species. Wake up! Who's going to tell our children that we harvested all the rocks and drove dust to extinction?"
Editor's Note: Tarnish declines to comment on this story other than to point out that one major agricultural resource in Nevada has been completely overlooked--We seem to have a bumper crop of nuts this year.