"Thumbnail Descriptions of Newspapers and Magazines" Critical Information!

Thumbnail Descriptions of Newspapers and Magazines

RENO--We at Tarnish make fun of just about everyone, but we hold a special place in our hearts for our brother/ sister/ ambigendered/ transgendered/ questioning newspapers and magazines. Each has a personality of its own formed by its journalistic thrust and tireless pursuit of the truth. (It's hard to say that with a straight face.) So for those Tarnish readers out there--all three of you--that would like a thumbnail description of these august bastions of news, your wish is granted.

Wall Street Journal-Follow the money.
Boston Globe-We flunked Economics 101 and so did our readers.
Village Voice-Too many typewriters, not enough hashish.
New York Times-We print lies and plagiarize-so what?
The Washington Post-Where the self-selected few lecture and scold the rest of the world.
Reno Gazette-Journal-Striving for mediocrity-and failing.
Sparks Tribune-We've mastered Spell Check, but not how to write.
USA Today-America's #1 choice for litterbox liner.
Variety-A magazine for the pathetic about the shallow.
Today's CPA-Batting 1000.
People-We wish we were Variety.
Los Angeles Times-Stories about cops, thugs, and whether the lights work.
Time Magazine-We make Sesame Street look like Rocket Science.
Business Week-The Time Magazine of the business world.
Le Monde-We spit on the Americans; we spit on McDonald's; we spit on the English; we spit on the Italians; we spit on the Germans; we spit on NATO; we spit on….
The National Inquirer-It's really telling when we scoop “serious” newspapers three times in a row.
The Weekly World News-Someday Bat Boy will win a Pulitzer, Nostradamus Predicts!
National Geographic-At least our photos don't suck.
George Magazine-Even our photos suck.
Las Vegas Review Journal-Delivering every word that the casinos allow us to print.

and our heroes

The San Francisco Chronicle-Championing the agendas of the oppressed-especially the fat, the lazy, and the stupid.