A Long Hard Look...

College Graduates Become Northern Nevada's #2 Export

RENO--Economists at the University of Nevada have discovered that Northern Nevada's exports have shifted dramatically in the past ten years. Professor Beatrice N. Countre noticed the shift as early as 1995, but waited for more data to strengthen her findings. The results have startled everyone in the region and have painted an even bleaker picture than imagined. "We've always known that the entrenched gambling interests have at the same time been the cornerstone of the economy and a major element in stifling any economic diversity, but this new finding gives us hope that we're making progress."

The findings indicate that Northern Nevada's export of college graduates has increased markedly. University graduates typically ranked No. 5 in state exports, preceded by extradited criminals (No. 4), dust (No. 3), scummy people (No. 2), and broke tourists (No. 1). Over the past seven years, however, tourists have gambled and lost less money, crime rates in neighboring states have fallen slightly, precipitation has been higher than normal, and an influx of Californians has balanced the scum outflow. All of these factors contributed to the leap in ratings for grad exports.

Professor Countre places the cause of the shift on a declining gambling and tourist base and lowering standards at the University of Nevada, Reno. She also theorizes that the trend will continue, with graduates displacing broke tourists as the region's top export by 2009. "California gambling has really eroded the area's appeal while UNR has been less stringent about class requirements and red tape, cutting the average 133 credit graduation level from an eight-year to a five-year ordeal. The combined acceleration of graduation rates and decceleration of the tourist economy have catapulted grad exports up to No. 2. Now if we could only start exporting some of those Californians...."