Eggs Classified as Deadly Weapons

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Former president Bill Clinton was struck by an egg in Poland recently. Clinton, shaken and in tears after the attack, has rallied and is proposing legislation that would classify the common chicken egg as a deadly weapon. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have openly supported the bill, claiming that eggs pose not only a health risk but are also the product of mass rape. The dissident who threw the egg was quickly beaten up by the former president's security guards. He and other protesters attending Clinton's arrival were allegedly laughing the entire time.

"The egg has long been known as 'Nature's hand grenade.' We cannot allow the proliferation of this kind of device, even if it does taste good sunnyside up with bacon and hash browns," said a spokesperson for the former president. The CIA has conceded that Libya, a known terrorist supporter, maintains hundreds of thousands of egg-laying chickens, most of which are now targeted for destruction via cruise missiles. It came as a distinct surprise, however, when the American Egg Association immediately began mobilizing opposition to the measure. A poultry industry spokesperson indicated that, "We are not terrorists. We raise chickens. They lay eggs. What people do with those eggs is their responsibility, not ours." Clinton has vowed to sue every egg-laying chicken owner in the world if his legislation is not passed.

In response to the threat and the proposed legislation, Handgun Control, Inc. has changed its name to Handgun and Yolk Control, Unlimited. The National Rifle association is planning a counter-propaganda ad campaign noting that responsible use of eggs is both good for the individual and society as a whole. Many policy makers are concerned that the media attention to this event will only spark more egg throwing incidents. "I already spend too much taxpayer money on dry cleaning. I'd hate to be hit by one on a hot day," said one congressman who did not want to be identified. Worse yet, experts think the trend may spread to other easily-available, grenade-like weapons such as overripe tomatoes, rotten fruit, water balloons, cream pies, and the dreaded cow chip.