A Long Hard Look...

California Purchases Nevada for $1.5 Billion

CARSON CITY--California's pervasive power-generation woes have taken a definite turn this week as the Golden Gate State ensured a bright, well-lighted future for its residents. Spokespersons for California announced that the Silver State will henceforth be called the Downwind Nuclear Power Generation Area and commented on the comparative ease with which the transaction was concluded. California plans to build, operate, and maintain 25 nuclear reactors in various population centers such as Reno, Carson City, Las Vegas, Jackpot, Pahrump, and Beatty. This should solve all of the problems caused by environmental restrictions on power generation that lead to rolling blackouts, infuriated voters, grass-roots lawsuits, and threats of jail terms for political misconduct.

Stunned Nevada natives took the news badly until they were reassured by Nevada congressmen who stated that the purchase was unconstitutional. They are also trying to locate the truckload of $1.5 billion in cash that California state officials delivered to the Nevada legislature two days ago. In an early setback for Nevada's attempt to invalidate the purchase, President Clinton was quoted as saying, "Nev-aahhh-dah? Isn't that that somewhere in Mexico?" The Las Vegas city council has already voted to secede from the state formerly known as Nevada. It hopes to be recognized as the 51st state during the next congressional session.

Tarnish asked a number of California residents what they thought of the buyout. Most were doubtful that the plan would succeed. Others thought it would have a detrimental effect on the blackout-driven crime sprees that have invigorated the economy following the collapse of the technology market. Some were even pleased by the news. One woman who wished to remain anonymous said, "Well, it's good 'cuz I can use my hair dryer again." Tarnish asked her if the buyout might cause problems for Nevadans. "No, I don't think so. I mean, it's not like they speak English, so who cares?"

In related news, the entire Nevada legislature has vanished. Law enforcement officials have been called in to investigate, but detectives confess that they have few leads in the mass disappearance. A tantalizing clue was found scrawled across one legislator's bathroom mirror--the words "Gonna be a carioca 4 ever!" Investigators are stumped at the possible meaning. Detective Mel Pharlowe, an avid X-Files(TM) fan, stated his personal belief is that, "they went to Area 51 and never came back." Alien abduction theories aside, other possible avenues of investigation being pursued include frequent legislative hangouts such as Miss Naughty's Massage Parlour, under beds, Disneyland(TM), and local public restrooms. One thing that law enforcement officials have been unable to explain was the sold-out nonstop Air Brazil flight from the Reno/Tahoe International Airport to Rio de Janeiro the day before the disappearance.