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Governor Gray Davis Seals CA Border

SACRAMENTO--In an unprecedented move, Governor Davis ordered the California border sealed in pending legislation to prevent anyone from moving out of the state. When asked by Tarnish how long the imposed emigration restrictions would last, Davis replied, “Until our long term power contracts run out; about 20 years.”

This follows closely on the heels of legislation in August that would prevent consumers from shopping around for lower power prices, currently at about $167 a kilowatt hour. The price per kW/h fell from $243 in May of 2001 and may fall substantially (possibly below the $25-$27 average before the energy crisis) in the next few years. California ratepayers are locked in at an unspecified rate for the next 20 years. (Seriously. We're not making anything in this paragraph up.) Davis says he needs this legislation to prevent “consumer flight” from these high costs. “Just because the market has brought prices down doesn't mean I'm about to allow free trade, not after George Bush called me a whiner and threatened to give me a wedgie.” (Okay, we made up the wedgie remark, but that's all.)

The new proposed legislation is on the docket for September and would effectively prevent California residents from moving to other states to escape the energy costs. “These people voted for me. They deserve to endure, ahem, enjoy the full term of my stewardship,” said Davis with affected modesty. “Besides, they can't count. I know 'cause we've made sure that California schools suck. They turn out thousands of idiots every year and my voting base just keeps getting bigger. You just can't beat planning like that.”

When Tarnish asked Governor Davis what his plans were after the energy crisis subsided, he replied, ticking off points on his fingers-“Establish state power monopoly, forbid price shopping for electricity, close borders, establish marshal law, create secret police, declare myself governor for life; no wait, then I'll run for president.