WASHINGTON, D.C.--Congressional subcommittee members announced this week that they need a massive influx of tax money to prop up critical government programs. "This Bush tax cut will kill us, which is why we're trying to kill it first. In the meantime, we beg the citizens of the United States to send us money." Tarnish asked Congress exactly what this money would go for. Precise spending figures are considered state secrets, but Nevada senator Harry Greid let slip that the money would go to the programs under the Billions for Failure campaign.
Billions for Failure, or B4F as it is known in congress, is a highly regarded beltway sacred cow. "B4F is the linch pin of both parties' current and future political agendas. B4F IS government in action," said senator Greid. A confidential source within Washington leaked a document detailing some of the main B4F programs. Unfortunately, the most recent budget figures for B4F available are ten years old (1991). Tarnish estimates each increased by about 15% and are presented as follows:
Education - $21,700,000,000 spent in one year. Kids still can't read, write, or count.
Postal Service - $2,100,000,000 spent in one year. The mail still doesn't arrive within seven days, postage rates have gone up twice this year, and now postal carriers are unionized, meaning adios to mail delivery on snowy days, rainy days, Saturdays, overcast days, hot days, and windy days.
Farm Subsidies - $12,700,000,000 spent in one year. Farmers get paid to not grow stuff.
Social Security - MORE MONEY THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. Slush fund for pork barrel projects, cost overruns, and congressional pensions.
"These programs will work, if only they get more funding," says senator Greid. "Give now and give generously; your patriotism will keep America great and programs like Billions for Failure running into the new millennium."