"Resumes with Attitude: Job Applicants Tell the Ugly Truth" A Long Hard Look...

Resumes with Attitude: Job Applicants Tell the Ugly Truth

RENO--The unprecedented stretch of low unemployment has been a boon to the economy, but the sailing hasn't always been smooth. Employers have found that their cavalier attitude towards workers in the 1980s has come back to haunt them. Massive layoffs, cutbacks, downsizing, and belt-tightening that characterized the "me" decade has come full circle in the late 1990s. The employees have the upper hand now, and seem to be showing the same degree of company loyalty that they received a decade earlier: none.

"We've created a nation of hardened workplace mercenaries, particularly in the well-educated white collar sector. These people think nothing of who they work for, only maximizing their paychecks while minimizing their time in the office," says noted employment sociologist, Martin Maald. "They'll jump ship for as little as a 5 minute shorter commute, a $50 per year raise, or a cubicle with better decor. Companies are lucky to keep good employees for six months before they leave for something better."

The newest twist on this situation is the increasing number of resumes that contain brutally honest statements of fact. A few of the most memorable are presented here:

1. I'm WAY smarter than you are.

2. Since I have nothing to lose except your cruddy job offer, let me take this moment to tell you that you're an idiot.

3. HR wouldn't recognize a good fit if the applicant was square.

4. I can do everything my future boss does, only better.

5. I'm too good for your firm. Hire someone else.

6. I'm a flight risk.

7. A job with your company will do just fine until I finish getting my manicure degree.

8. I faxed my application because this job wasn't worth 34 cents.

9. I'll make whoever I work with look like incompetent slackers.

10. I'll use you to pay off my student loans and then go to work for your competitor.

11. Hire me so I can learn everything you know, quit, open a better version of your business, and drive you into bankruptcy. Bwahahaha!!

12. I can't wait for you to hit on me so I can sue you for sexual harassment.

13. I can read, can you? I can spell, can you? I can think independently, can you?

14. I'm going to play Quake III all day long and you can't stop me.

15. This salary you're offering is only 80% of what I'm worth. Don't expect much from me on Fridays.

16. It's hard to find good help these days and at this pay scale, you'll have a long search.

17. You just don't seem to understand economics. When there's a labor shortage, you must pay MORE, not LESS.

18. I'm just using this as a practice interview.

19. I won't make you coffee. I won't run your errands. I won't loan you my car. I won't take care of your cat while you're in the Bahamas. I won't buy flowers for your wife. And I won't listen to you, ever.

20. My last job allowed me to master the art of sleeping with my eyes open. What can you teach me?


Human Resources personnel nationwide reacted at first with shock, then realized that it was all true and went back to their coffee breaks.

Management gurus have been touting team-building, diversity, pleasant work environments, morale building seminars, and donuts on Fridays, all of which have had limited results. Tarnish asked some of these applicants what would make things better. "Money. It's that ****ing simple! Pay us more money!! You want us to put up with your stupidity, fascist rules, petty politics, boring meetings, and meaningless work, then cough up the dough. Y'know, moolah, dinero, big bucks. Got it? Now excuse me, I have an interview."