A Long Hard Look...

Science Unveils Artificial Politician

SIMI VALLEY--California research and development firm Ill-Logic, Inc. has unveiled what they describe as the political candidate of the future. Environmentalist groups are pleased with the artificial politician because it is made of 100% recycled materials, but are concerned that the machine could put natural politicians onto the Endangered Species List. Ill-Logic spokespersons assured that natural politicians, like lawyers and other parasites, exist in mind-boggling numbers already and are very hardy.

The technology responsible for controlling the artificial politician's functions is a closely-held secret, but Ill-Logic claims that whatever a natural politician can do, their artificial politician can do better. "Humans need to sleep, eat, and breathe. The artificial politician doesn't get tired, get goiters, or even need to stop to clear its throat. It only takes a millisecond for it to process information and respond appropriately." At the present time, the processing unit that controls the artificial politician is programmed with only the following phrases:

Hello.
Goodbye.
My fellow Americans.
I feel your pain.
I need your support/votes/money/home phone number.
No new taxes.
I promise.
Wanna sleep in the Lincoln bedroom?
A bright future lies ahead.
I categorically deny any part in any wrongdoing.
I am not a crook.
Would you like to be my intern?

Research scientists at Ill-Logic, Inc. assured the media that these phrases would cover 99.9% of all situations faced by the artificial politician on a day-to-day basis.

Tarnish asked Ill-Logic spokespersons exactly who would want an artificial politician. "Well, our marketing department is looking into that. Honestly, we have provided the world with yet another breakthrough and all you can do is ask whether there's a practical use for it. You just don't understand - we're SCIENTISTS!"