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Tobacco Manufacturer Retracts Apology

Cigarette manufacturer Phillip Morriss retracted an overreaching blanket apology after a report on the financial benefits of smoking intended for the Czech government was leaked to the press. The report stated that smokers are beneficial to society as a whole because, on average, they pay in to social security programs but die before they become eligible for benefits. Just yesterday, the tobacco giant abruptly reversed its standing on public policy and retracted its apology.

“Those dirty, cynical ba***rds,” said Senator Diane “More Politically Correct than Thou” Whinestein of California. “Where do they get the nerve to lie about tobacco's effects for decades and then come out and tell the truth? It's reprehensible!” Professional hand-wringers, social activists, and (of course) politicians worldwide denounced Phillip Morriss' report last week and the company admits that its fragile public goodwill campaign is completely ruined.

When Tarnish asked Phillip Morriss' press representatives about the change in tactics, they replied that since nothing they could do seemed to improve their public image, then why bother? “We've wheedled, pleaded, begged, and bribed everyone we can find. Nothing's worked. We're finished lying. Only stupid people think cigarettes are safe; in fact, stupid people are our best customers. Here we go out of our way to show that our product has unintended benefits for society, and we get slammed! This sucks! See if we underwrite Whinestein's reelection campaign.” In fact, the company has changed its corporate motto to “Kiss Our Ashes.”

In other news, congress is looking into lowering the age limit to buy cigarettes from age 18 to age four. They claim this has nothing to do with proposed Social Security reform.