New Academy Awards Announced

HOLLYWOOD--The Academy Award committee has announced that new award categories will be introduced for 2003. They have found that the existing categories--Best Picture, Best Actor/Actress, Best Director, and so on--simply don't address the nuances of modern film. To rectify this problem, the Awards committee has created a plethora of categories covering all cinematic achievements. In addition to making the Awards ceremony longer, it gives Billy Crystal an excuse to appear on TV.

And the winners are:

· Academy Award for Worst Remake of Blade Runner--"A.I. Artificial Intelligence."

· Academy Award for Most Ironic Film Title--"A.I. Artificial Intelligence."

· Academy Award for Most Thoroughly Destroyed Franchise--Star Wars.

· Academy Award for Director Most Likely to Mauled by Irate Former Fans--George Lucas.

· Academy Award for Actress Who Might Have Become a Porn Queen If She Hadn't Landed a Job On "The Practice"--Lara Flynn Boyle after starring in "Susan's Plan."

· Academy Award for Most Worn-Out War Cliches Used in a Single Movie--"Saving Private Ryan."

· Academy Award for Best Depiction of the "Get Everyone Killed" School of Small Unit Tactics--"Saving Private Ryan."

· Academy Award for Looking Way Too Much Like an American Trapped in a European Movie--Matt Damon in "The Bourne Identity."

· Academy Award for Best Picture That Ripped Off Half of Its Plot From an Old Episode of Jonny Quest--"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."

· Academy Award for Actress Whose Real Life Is More Interesting Than Her Last Five Movies--Wynona Rider.

· Academy Award for Most Desperate B-List Actor Attempt to Recapture Fame--Robert Blake.

· Academy Award for Most Obvious Sequel--"My Big Fat Greek Divorce."

· Academy Award for Most Twisted Sequel Idea--"My Big Fat Greek Dominatrix."

· Academy Award for Best Product Tie-In--"My Big Fat Greek Weight Loss Plan."

· Academy Award for Most Intelligent and Refined Thing to Come Out of MTV in Ten Years--"Jackass--the Movie."

· Academy Award for Looking Great in a Tight, Wet Sweater in an Otherwise Dull Film--Jennifer Connelly's breasts in "A Beautiful Mind."

· Academy Award for Being Not Much More Than an Extended Car Chase--"Ronin"

· Academy Award for Lamest Fake Accent Ever--Harrison Ford in "K-19, the Widowmaker."

· Academy Award for Ripping Off a Much Better Bond Film--Halle Berry in "Die Another Day."